


friends, lovers, or nothing

by jadewest



Category: MindCrack RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 12:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8209007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadewest/pseuds/jadewest
Summary: So it goes like this – they’re mostly friends but they fuck when they can and it’s fine as long as Matt can swallow his feelings which turns out to be harder than originally anticipated.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh, man. this has been a long time coming - i've wanted to write a lengthy fic about their dynamic since last year's minecon. i'm glad i waited, though because it gave me more material to work with.
> 
> as always, all events are - to my knowledge - fictional and any mistakes are mine. also, please respect the fourth wall and don't link this to them. i will not hesitate to lock the fic if i feel people are being disrespectful towards them or myself.
> 
> dedicated to my amazing girlfriend, anna, who inspires me every day. i love you.
> 
> title is from friends, lovers, or nothing by john mayer.

It starts something like this: Matt is staying at the Crackhouse for the first time and he hardly knows anyone and he’s scared as fuck. Of course he’s talked to them all before, but not _really_. He only really knows Alex, and to a lesser extent Jason, and the others are all kind of a mix of faces and screennames he’s still trying to piece together.

“Hi!” Matt shoots his head around to look down at a guy slightly shorter than him with the ugliest shade of red he’s ever seen as his preferred hair color of choice, and he assumes this must be Chad. Who else would do that?

“Hey.” He doesn’t mean to deadpan. He’s talked to Chad through instant messaging before. He’s a nice guy. He’s just not exactly sure how to navigate a conversation with him. “I’m Sevadus… Matt, Sevadus,” he tries.

“I know who you are,” Chad rolls his eyes and pats him on the back and the contact makes him twitch a bit, but it’s fine. He means well. “I hope you know who I am or else this is _veeeerrrry_ awkward,” he drawls out.

“I do! Mostly. You’re Chad, right?” He fidgets with his hair a bit, trying not to be an ass. It works, though, because Chad just grins and nods at him and it makes Matt smile, too. He’s warm and easy to talk to.

“It’s nice properly meeting you. I think we’ll have a lot of fun together!”

//

Their first _actual_ conversation is on the couch of the Crackhouse at ass o’clock in the morning over vodka. It’s fitting, somehow, all things considered. Everyone else is sleeping but they’re still up, laughing and talking about nearly anything that comes up. They talk about business, they talk about home, they talk about their families, Chad talks about girlfriends. It’s nice. He can’t remember the last time he talked to someone like this – the last time he _got_ someone like this, and the person got him back.

Chad hums into his empty cup and taps his foot against the coffee table. “We should…play a game,” he thinks.

Matt perks his eyebrows and nods. “What did you have in mind?” He wasn’t planning on getting much sleeping done tonight, anyway.

“Twenty questions because I can’t think of anything better.”

Matt laughs and Chad elbows him. “Come on, it’s not like I’m asking you what you’re wearing with a winky-face on my Nokia.”

“If only, though,” Matt quips and Chad rolls his eyes.

“My question is…” Chad taps his chin dramatically and Matt smiles. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but he’s seriously contemplating him being the best person he’s ever met. “How old were you when you had your first…kiss?”

“You seriously sound like every douchey high school senior ever.”

“It could be a funny story! No one knows how to kiss the first time.”

Matt frowns. It’s kind of his least favorite story. “Um, okay,” he starts. He looks down and starts toying with the zipper on his hoodie. “I took this girl to homecoming – I know, I know, how didn’t I kiss anyone before that, well I played with Legos, okay – anyway, I took her to homecoming, and we kissed, and it kind of confirmed everything I always thought.” His nose scrunches. “I told her I would be back later and I left. I fucking left. I took off in my mom’s car that I borrowed for the night and I went to some shitty diner because I didn’t want to go back.” He’s not exactly done, but he looks over at Chad who’s smiling sympathetically. “I told her I got sick the next day. She told me to fuck off. Which is fair, I guess,” he laughs. “I just wish I wasn’t such an ass about it. She was nice. It’s not her fault I’m…” He stops and realizes Chad doesn’t know and his stomach flips. It doesn’t ever get easier. And even though he doesn’t really _know_ Chad yet, he cares. He doesn’t want him to leave.

“Gay.” Chad finishes for him, and Matt runs his hands through his hair while nodding.

“Yeah,” he says flatly.

Chad smiles at him and reaches over and squeezes his hand. “It’s really cool that you told me that.”

In attempt to add humor to the situation, Matt laughs and says: “don’t flatter yourself, you’re not the first one I’ve told. But, yeah, there you go.”

“It doesn’t matter if I was the first. It takes a lot to be able to do that.” He sounds sincere and Matt feels his throat tighten. He hasn’t gotten this choked up about mentioning it since he told Alex. There’s something intimate and careful about the way Chad’s talking to him that makes him feel safe.

“I think I’m gonna head to bed,” Matt announces, pulling himself away from Chad and putting his empty cup on the table. He’s never been too good at this, and if Chad keeps talking to him like that he’s definitely going to cry.

“Okay. Goodnight, Sevadus,” Chad says politely before getting up himself and straightening out his flannel. It kind of means the world to him that he doesn’t push, but he doesn’t say that.

“Night, Chad.”

//

PAX ends and he takes on the grueling trip back to Hawaii. He’s pretty hungover so it’s especially miserable, but he manages to fall asleep for a little while, which is nice.

When he returns to land, his phone buzzes about a million times and as he’s swiping through the notifications he notices a text from Chad Johnson.

_hope you landed safely! :) it was really nice getting to know u._

His heart feels like it’s going to burst. He wants to tell him that staying up with him was one of the highlights of the convention, if not one of the highlights of his year, and that he’s one of the best people he’s ever met. Instead, he says: _It was nice meeting you, too. Hope you didn’t get sick!_ He even takes the time to pick the perfect fucking emoji like he’s a sixteen-year-old girl. He settles on the one smiling with its eyes closed. It’s cute.

He hopes Chad can read between the lines and hear everything he’s trying to say.

//

He breaks up with his boyfriend. He pretends he doesn’t know why.

They would have never worked out anyway, he justifies to himself. He spends all of his time chugging beers or trying to find a job that _speaks_ to him. He’s not interested in growing up, and Matt has been ready to make something out of himself since he turned ten.

He says a variety of colorful insults about Matt’s blowjob skills and blocks him on Instagram.

It kind of hurts, but at the same time, he can’t remember the last time they acted like a couple besides fucking and sometimes taking each other out to two star restaurants. It’s for the best.

//

They Skype all the time. It becomes a part of Matt’s daily routine. He makes sure to make time for Chad even if he really shouldn’t. Sometimes he’ll turn on web-cam for him just so he can see Matt dramatically roll his eyes or huff in frustration during business calls and Chad thinks it’s funny and that means the world to him.

Chad’s eating dinner and Matt’s grading tests and neither of them are saying much but it’s perfect. Occasionally Chad will ask how any of the students passes Matt’s course and Matt threatens to hang up on him but never does.

With a face full of store-bought mashed potatoes, Chad states: “I’m really fucking glad I met you.”

The words make Matt’s stomach twist into knots and he wants to say everything that’s been giving him too many sleepless nights for months, but he can’t. There’s no chance in hell it’s reciprocated and if it was, it would complicate everything. Between them. Between the group. He can’t risk ruining something this good this soon.

So he swallows hard and replies: “Me, too.”

//

PAX Prime comes out of nowhere and he’s bubbling with excitement. It’s his first time going to a convention as a legitimate Mindcracker and he’s missed them all so much.

They take turns greeting each other and Alex and Matt run to each other first, crashing into each other in a dramatic Nicholas Sparks kind of way.

Alex hugs him so tight he thinks his back might break. “I missed you, asshole,” Alex says as they break apart.

“I missed you, too. So fucking much,” Matt replies. “I think you should tell Andrea you’re coming back with me, the real love of your life,” he adds.

Alex laughs and pushes his shoulder and Matt feels so warm and so loved. Alex is good at that. Making someone feel special when they are anything but.

Chad peeks his head around from where Alex is standing and gently nudges him. “Excuse me, Pause, but others would like to say hi, too!”

A lazy smile appears on Matt’s face out of habit and it makes Alex raise his eyebrow questioningly as they embrace.

They hug for a bit too long to be just friends and not long enough for it to be anything more.

Fitting.

“Missed you,” Matt breathes out.

“You better have,” Chad says with a smirk. He has no fucking idea.

//

They’re seeing people pour in for their convention and Matt feels sick to his stomach. He knows none of them are there for him, yet he still feels the need to impress them and let him know he’s worth this. He’s scratching at his skin and twitching like a nervous wreck, and the rest of them seem to be preoccupied to notice, but he feels a tap on his shoulder and he snaps his head back to see Chad. Of course.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just nervous. You know how it goes.”

“Actually, I don’t,” Chad laughs. Right. He’s not in the group yet. “But you’re gonna do great.”

“Thanks.” He doesn’t totally believe him, but it’s nice to know he cared enough to say something.

They’re calling their names now and Matt walks forward and Chad grabs his wrist to hold him back.

“Hey, if you get freaked out, remember I’m front row and I’m always cheering for you.”

Wes is ushering him on and Chad slips away before he has a chance to say anything back, but sure enough when he’s seated, he sees Chad almost directly in front of him.

He mouths ‘thank you’ to him and Chad grins at him and shoots a thumbs up.

//

Chad finally joins Mindcrack, officially, even though he’s been in their hearts way longer than Matt has, he thinks.

After the initial hype calms down and the Reddit post drops a bit, Matt calls him. Chad picks up on the second ring and Matt feels his chest clench at the giant smile on his face. He spends a few seconds admiring the unadulterated happiness on his face before realizing Chad said hi to him.

“Congratulations. It’s been a long time coming, huh?”

“Yeah,” Chad starts. “I’m a little nervous, I don’t know exactly what they expect of me, but I’m so happy it’s finally out there.”

“You’ll do great. You don’t have anything to worry about.” He’s pretty sure he means it more than anything he’s ever said.

That seems to catch Chad off guard, and his larger than life grin turns into a soft smile and fuck – he likes him so much.

They talk about nothing for a few minutes before one of them has to go and as they’re saying their goodbyes, Matt tells him to wait. Chad raises an eyebrow and he realizes this is too much too late because he’s expecting something now and –

“Chad, I’m so fucking glad I’m doing this with you.”

//

They’re both drunk as fuck on Matt’s bed at the PAX South Crackhouse.

Their shoulders are brushing against each other and occasionally Matt will swing his leg around Chad’s for some extra physical contact.

“Do you ever think about us?” He asks. He’s too intoxicated to think about the consequences of an open question like that.

“Mmm?” Chad looks over at him with glazed over eyes and slightly chapped lips and he’s never wanted to kiss someone more in his entire goddamn life. The electricity between them is getting too much to bear so he looks away at the window and counts the street lights in his vision. Four.

“We got close so fast,” he explains. His stomach turns and he blames it on the alcohol even though he knows it’s not. “Like, I’m a scientist – I don’t believe in fate, but fuck, dude,” Matt slurs. Not exactly his most romantic choice of words.

He looks back over at Chad and he’s nodding like he understands more than he agrees. He’s desperately searching his face for some kind of reaction that means maybe he’s not alone in this.

“I guess I know what you’re talking about, yeah.”

The lack of response makes his heart sink.

//

He has the worst hangover of his life and he sits on the opposite end of the panel from Chad. He’s not mad at him, but he’s been avoiding him all day in case he remembers anything that happened the night before. He can’t bear the idea of that.

Still, he looks down at him every so often and remembers how nervous he was during his first panel.

He hopes Chad knows he’s always cheering for him, too.

//

He’s not sure why it happens but he tells Alex. His response isn’t exactly helpful.

“No shit. I’m pretty sure everyone but Chad has caught onto that by now,” he deadpans.

“You’re not helping,” Matt replies in the same tone.

“Look, Sev. I love you both. _We_ love you both,” Alex starts. “I don’t think anyone would be happier about this than me, and you have mine and the rest of ours blessing, I’m sure. But you have to navigate this on your own.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s about what I expected.”

“I’m always here to be your wingman, though.”

That makes Matt smile. It’s nice to know Alex will always be his constant.

“Thanks, man.”

//

It’s not exactly a conscious decision, but he starts flirting with Chad. A lot. Overcompensation is a hell of a thing.

Chad gets drunk a lot, and Matt is up when he does, so Chad video calls him and Matt gets reckless. Chad hardly remembers it the next day. It’s a great system.

Chad’s leaned back in his chair, finger twirling around a nearly empty glass of white wine. His hair is a mess and his dress shirt is slightly unbuttoned and it feels almost intimate.

“You look sexy,” Matt practically purrs into the microphone. “What’s the occasion?”

“Juss’ for you,” Chad slurs.

He quirks an eyebrow suggestively and hums, “I think if it were for me you’d be wearing a bit less.”

Chad seems to take it as a challenge and rips his tie off and peels his way out of his shirt. It’s far from the first time he’s seen Chad shirtless, but the situation makes his throat go dry regardless.

“How’s this?” Chad proposes, with the smuggest fucking grin Matt’s ever seen. “Less, or more?”

Matt’s head is spinning, his face is hot, and he feels himself getting hard but he can’t. Not like this.

“I think you should go to bed.”

“I’m trying to be nice,” Chad drawls, dragging his fingers down his microphone stand. Matt digs his nails into his outer thighs. “You tell me you want to fuck me all the time, and I’m finally giving you a taste, and you pussy out?” It sounds like a threat more than an invitation.

“I’ve got work to do. Go the fuck to bed.”

Matt ends the call before Chad can interject. He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and buries his face in his hands. Chad definitely won’t remember that the next morning, but he’s pretty sure it’ll be the cause of countless long nights and lazy mornings for him for the foreseeable future.

“Fuck.”

//

Matt arrives in Boston three hours late, and when he touches down he has several notifications from Chad –

_where r u? ur flight was supposed to be on time_

_please dont stand me up. it’ll break my fragile heart_ Broken heart emoji.

 _HURRY UP BITCH_ Knife emoji, knife emoji, knife emoji.

He smiles warmly at the texts because they sound just like him and he quickly replies – _Just landed. Miss your face. Wait for me a little longer!_ Winking emoji.

He finds Chad staring too intently at his phone that he doesn’t even notice Matt coming up behind him.

“Hey, you. Thanks for waiting.”

Chad jumps and spins around, looking ready to hit him. It takes a minute for him to realize that it’s just Matt and when he does, a giant grin appears on his face. “Hi,” he says as he steps into him and wraps his arms around him for a tight hug. When they pull apart, he nudges Matt with his shoulder. “I was about to fucking leave, you know.”

“No, you weren’t.”

//

Matt pulls his – well, Chad’s – jacket up higher around his neck and shivers. Boston is too fucking cold. He doesn’t get how people live here. Chad’s trotting alongside him, occasionally bitching about cold gusts of wind that hit their face, but seems to be handling it better than Matt is. Hawaii’s made him a bit of a bitch when it comes to this stuff.

He grabs ahold of Chad’s arm and makes him halt. “Chad,” Matt starts. “I’m taking you on a date.” It’s more of an order than it is a question.

Chad beams at him. “Alright, where are you taking me, sir?”

Matt leans against a wall and pulls out his phone. “I want…candy.”

“Sounds good to me,” Chad replies.

Well, it was in theory.

They spend about an hour walking around in circles because all of the stores are closed, mislabeled, or shady weed clinics. They decide to settle for cupcakes, extremely overpriced ones at that, and Matt pays for him. They find a table in a quiet corner where they start picking at the toppings on their cupcakes.

“I’m sorry our first date was such a disaster,” Matt says genuinely. He always feels a pang of an embarrassment when he gets directions wrong, but it sucked all the more that he couldn’t take him someplace nicer – sweeter.

Chad sticks a finger in his frosting and sucks it off, making a ‘pop’ noise when he pulls it out. “Don’t be. This is nice. I’ve really missed you.” Matt smiles warmly and watches him slowly tear apart his red velvet cupcake. “Besides,” Chad adds, “have we not been dating this whole time?”

It’s a joke but it wouldn’t exactly be wrong.

“So, what is this, then?” Matt asks quizzically. He means the ‘date’, but using it as a question in reference to their fucked up friendship – relationship – whatever it is at this point wouldn’t be out of place, he thinks.

Chad tilts his head to the side as he chews and thinks. “I don’t know,” he replies with a mouth still full of dyed chocolate, “your guess is as good as mine.”

There’s a beat before Chad adds – “what do you want it to be?”

He’s not comfortable with answering that question, so he changes the subject and Chad doesn’t seem to notice, but he spends the rest of the night thinking about how he would’ve, should’ve, could’ve told him right then.

//

The two of them spend the convention attached at the hip. Wherever Chad goes, Matt follows. Matt and Chad quickly because _MattandChad_ or, as people have apparently coined, ‘Chevadus’. It’s kind of unnerving and Chad thinking it’s funny doesn’t help.

“This shit is hilarious,” Chad exclaims, tilting his beer back as he scrolls through his phone. They’re in Chad’s hotel room – three doors down from Matt’s, which is entirely too far, in his opinion – and Chad’s getting a kick out of the whole shipping thing.

Whatever.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Matt says coolly. Chad’s too wrapped up in Instagram comments and Tumblr posts to hear his tone.

“They’re asking if we’re _dating_ ,” Chad sneers. Matt feels all the air leave his body. He wants to say, ‘would that be the worst thing in the world?’ Instead, he goes for: “yeah, that’s pretty funny.”

“I’m sorry,” Chad says, turning his phone screen off. “I’m being rude.” Matt wants to tell him it’s a bit of an understatement, but instead he nods while staring at his inbox.

He crosses the room and joins Matt on the bed, resting his head against the headboard and sprawling his legs out across Matt’s. It would be intimate if not for the fifteen-minute session of Chad cackling at the idea of them being anything more than platonic not thirty seconds ago.

“What’cha doin’?” Chad asks, glancing over at his laptop screen.

Matt makes a point of not looking over at him. “I’m just checking some emails.”

They sit in silence for a while, and usually that’s fine but there’s a barrier between them in spite of their touching and Chad notices.

He huffs in frustration. “Are you _really_ going to spend our last night together being a bitch towards me?”

Matt feels an emotion he can’t recall feeling for Chad, like, ever. Anger. It boils inside of him and he wants to tell him to go fuck himself and that he’s allowed to be pissed off that he ignored him all night to drink and laugh at the idea of them dating when he should know damn well –

“Maybe you should just go.” Chad interrupts his thoughts, and Matt feels his fists clench.

“Yeah, maybe I will,” he spits out at him. He smashes down on his laptop to close it in the most dramatic way possible and grabs his bag and stomps out of the room.

He realizes it’s their first fight and maybe it’s been building up for too long now but it replaces the temporary anger for sadness.

//

He spends a lot of the night staring up at the ceiling. He wants to call him and tell him to come over so they can talk because he can’t bear getting on that plane tomorrow without saying goodbye to him.

His phone buzzes with a new text notification.

_im sorry im such an ass._

He’s not sure what to say, but Chad beats him to it again with –

_i don’t really know what i did but i cant stand feeling u be mad at me._

Matt sighs and types while shaking his head – _I’m not mad. Not anymore._

He sees Chad start and stop typing a few times before he settles on – _can i come over?_

_Always._

//

Chad’s outside his door in nothing but boxers and Matt hates himself for looking him over.

“Hi.” Chad sounds drunk and tired and sorry.

He doesn’t say anything, just opens the door wider and gestures for him to come in. Chad crawls under the covers on Matt’s bed before asking – “can I stay?”

Matt shrugs and Chad takes it as a yes and flops down on the pillows.

The bed’s a bit cramped for two people – especially two grown men – so they’re smooshed together, back-to-back, and Chad falls asleep within a few minutes and Matt can feel Chad’s breathing.

Every part of him wants to say he loves him, and it’s fucking terrifying.

//

Chad isn’t there when he wakes up, which isn’t exactly surprising, but he still looks for a note or a text message or something telling him why. Nothing. It stings just a bit.

He texts Jason – _Do you know where Chad is?_

He adds – _He has something of mine that I need._

Jason texts back about five minutes later – _he left already i think._

Asshole.

//

He keeps foolishly waiting on Chad to talk to him first, but he never does. He thinks this is probably the longest they’ve gone without talking aside from acknowledging each other in the Mindcrack group chats. It sucks.

It takes about a week of not talking for Chad to finally Skype him first, and he hates that he gets excited over it, but he does.

Chad looks nice. He’s wearing a dress shirt, tie and all, with black pants and his hair’s more managed than usual.

“What’s the occasion?” Matt asks, referring to his outfit.

There’s a beat before Chad replies. “I, uh, have a date.”

He thinks of a million things he wants to say – most of them consisting of various _fuck you_ ’s – instead, he says: “Oh.”

Chad looks like he’s waiting on something but Matt locks his jaw because his eyes are stinging and he’s not going to cry. Part of him thinks Chad’s doing this on purpose but he’s not ready to deal with a world where Chad isn’t the epitome of everything incredible.

“I guess I should get going,” Chad mumbles.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He both doesn’t have anything else and everything to say and he’s so tired.

Chad ends the call after giving him a soft, almost sympathetic, smile and a wave and it feels like the longest few seconds of his life.

//

He doesn’t ask Chad how his date went because he doesn’t care. He’s pissed and he misses having a body under him so he makes the mistake of texting his ex and it goes about as well as one would imagine.

He comes over when Matt sends one text message and he forgot what it was like to feel wanted and it gives him a sick adrenaline rush.

He blows him and he’s way too smug when Matt comes but this is exactly what he needed so he can’t find the energy to be annoyed by it. He starts smoking a bowl and Matt takes more than a few hits off of it to try and cloud his brain until he’s free of Chad. It’s mostly working until –

“So, are you done with the fake firecrotch?”

“That’s none of your business,” Matt snaps.

He smirks at him and Matt’s lips curl. He may be mad at Chad but he’s not going to sit here and let him talk about him like that.

“Guess not,” he hums, turning the mostly empty pipe around in his hands. “Well,” he starts, kicking himself off the bed, “if you need me, you know where to find me.”

“Asshole!” Matt yells as he hears his front door slam.

//

Chad and Matt go back to talking every day, neither one of them acknowledges that Chad probably has a girlfriend and Matt doesn’t mention that he’s fucking his ex-boyfriend semiregularly. They go back to doing what they do best – being best friends.

And it works, mostly.

Sometimes Matt will flirt with him out of habit, and sometimes Chad flirts back, but it’s fine. Friends do that.

Chad keeps playing them up on Twitter because he realized his fans think it’s funny and Matt usually does too but it’s only funny until he remembers he still loves him but – it doesn’t matter. He’s repressing it and he knows it will pass and then things can really go back to normal.

The only problem is he can’t seem to remember a time where he didn’t love him.

//

E3 is happy busy. He’s making deals for Mindcrack and Nerdfusion left and right and he’s in his element. Jason and Chad are impressed by how effortless it seems.

They record the podcast and spend the night drinking and Jason falls asleep on Chad’s couch.

“Ah, shit,” Matt starts, nodding towards Jason. “That was my ride.”

Chad rolls his eyes and punches him in the shoulder. “Like you weren’t going to stay here.”

They find themselves on Chad’s bed where they continue drinking and talking about their day and tomorrow’s hungover endeavors. And Matt can’t help but think they’ve been in this situation, too many times before – close but never enough – and he looks over at Chad and Chad’s staring at him and he wonders if he was thinking the same.

And suddenly it’s too much and Matt leans in and he hears Chad’s breath hitch and he feels his chest get tight. “ _Please._ ”

It’s all he’s got to give but apparently it’s enough because Chad closes the gap between them.

It’s gentle – Matt’s cupping his face with one hand and his other is twining his fingers through Chad’s hair and he makes sure to take it all in because Chad’s kissing him like this is the first and last time.

Chad tastes like whiskey and cheap cherry lipbalm, smells like fading cheap cologne, and his lips feel rough against Matt’s because they’re forever chapped and it’s perfect. His chest is tight and he’s letting out rough breaths into Chad’s mouth and he swallows a thousand I love you’s before they finally break apart for air.

They rest their foreheads against each other, letting out uneven breaths. “You have no fucking idea how long—“ Matt begins, but Chad cuts him off with a rough kiss, pushing against his body so hard that Matt hits the mattress.

 

Chad’s on top of him and too much is happening for his brain to comprehend. It’s a mess of Chad’s teeth scraping against Matt’s or chewing on his bottom lip as he feels Matt through his jeans, or Chad’s hands shaking as he pushes Matt’s shirt off and struggles with his pants and god—Chad’s mouth is on his cock and it’s clear he’s never done this before but he only gags a few times before he realizes he can jerk him off at the base. It’s far from perfect, he’s pretty sure he received better blowjobs in college, but it’s _Chad_ , and just knowing Chad’s mouth is wrapped around is cock is enough to finish him off.

Chad swallows, surprisingly, and Matt returns the favor after spending a few minutes catching his breath. Chad’s a lot more vocal than he expects and he yanks on Matt’s hair and he’s praying to a god that doesn’t exist that Jason doesn’t hear them upstairs. Chad comes and Matt falls down in the space next to him and looks over at him. His hand is on his face and he’s letting out heavy breaths and Matt watches his chest steadily go up and down.

Matt’s the first to break the silence with – “so…that happened.”

Chad laughs and rolls over, burying his face into his pillows and Matt’s heart fucking flutters because he still gets butterflies around him.

“Yeah, guess so,” Chad mumbles into the pillow and Matt scoots closer and starts rubbing his back and tracing lines on his neck and tangling his fingers through his hair. He’s admiring every inch of him because he’s sure this will never happen again and he wants to remember it in perfect detail.

They stay like that for a while until reality crashes into them, in the form of a notification reminding Chad of what he has to do at E3 tomorrow. Chad shrugs Matt off of him and says, “we probably shouldn’t sleep together.”

“I think it’s a bit late for that one,” Matt teases but he knows what he means. No assumptions. There’s a beat and Chad doesn’t laugh so he gets up and collects his clothes and he feels stupid for waiting on Chad to change his mind but he never does.

//

They don’t talk about it.

Sometimes Matt wants to bring it up because it’s making his skin crawl but he doesn’t. Instead he buries himself in work and doesn’t think about Chad unless he has to. It’s a mostly effective strategy and no one is the wiser.

//

London feels like a fever dream. He’s with his best friends in the world in a place he’s never explored and every day is a new experience. Chad holds his hand and always involves him in his vlogs in some way. They fall asleep together even though Matt’s supposed to be sleeping in another room. It’s like they exist on a different plane of reality for this one week and he doesn’t want to ruin it by asking questions.

But, well, the others have questions. And a lot of them at that.

Paul pulls him away from the others. “What the hell are you two doing?”

Matt shrugs. He’d like to know the answer to that, too.

“I’m far from homophobic, but you’re playing a really fucking dangerous game. I hope you two know that,” he says. He doesn’t say it in a malicious way and Matt knows it but he didn’t ask for his advice and it kind of pisses him off.

“I get it. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your business,” he replies flatly.

“It is, actually,” Paul corrects him and he’s not wrong and it makes Matt feel like an ass.

There’s a moment of silence before Paul smiles at him and pats his arm. “For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you two.”

It means more than he realizes.

//

Erin is annoyingly supportive and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her it’s mostly nothing. “Oh my god,” she flails her arms around, exaggerating every gesture, “I could like, plan your wedding!”

“I don’t think that’s happening anytime soon,” he corrects her. He looks over his shoulder to make sure Chad doesn’t hear her because that’s a conversation he’s far from ready to have.

“ _Obviously_ , but it will, because duh.” She says it in tone so matter of fact he almost believes her.

//

Jason doesn’t have to ask any questions, he just tells Matt to take care of himself and he wonders how much he knows but he doesn’t feel like asking. He’s so fucking tired of questions.

//

They move out of the Crackhouse for hotels closer to the convention center and Chad and Matt are sharing a room because of course they are.

Pretty much the second Matt drops his bag and shuts the door Chad’s all over him. He pushes him against the door and kisses him rougher than he assumed Chad was capable of and snakes an arm around his waist to tug them closer to each other. Matt kisses back because he’s not a dumbass but his brain is going a million miles an hour and when they break apart all that comes out is a breathless “what the fuck?”

“I missed this,” Chad hums, tracing designs on Matt’s shirt.

“And what, exactly, is ‘this’?”

Chad gestures between the small space between them with a ‘duh’ motion and Matt seriously can’t even begin to understand what’s happening inside of Chad’s head right now. “I thought,” he stutters, shaking his head, “I thought it was a one-time thing.”

Chad pouts at him. “Where’s the fun in that?” He sounds seriously sinister and it’s half aggravating, half arousing and he decides to go with the latter as he grabs Chad’s face and kisses him again.

//

So it goes like this – they’re mostly friends but they fuck when they can and it’s fine as long as Matt can swallow his feelings which turns out to be harder than originally anticipated.

//

Another convention rolls in and Chad slips Matt a copy of his hotel key and like clockwork Matt sneaks into his room at around 2AM. Chad’s laying on his bed and the unlocking of the door seems to startle him.

“Just me.” Matt says as he shrugs out of his jacket. He’s used to this by now. He shows up for twenty minutes to a few hours, slips away before the sun can creep through the curtains, and it doesn’t leave the room. He doesn’t remember the last time they talked properly and it makes him sick but not sick enough to stop sucking him off.

“Right.” Chad says, closing his laptop before taking his shirt off and tossing it to the side. He does it so mechanically and Matt wonders if he’s even a person.

//

People are still ‘shipping’ them and Chad finds it somewhat amusing but mostly he hates it. So he makes a big deal out of flirting with girls and playing up relationships with his viewers and it mostly seems to work except for the fact he’s fucking a guy.

He still has a girlfriend, as far as Matt knows, and he feels pretty smug about fucking behind her back even though he shouldn’t. It’s not like Chad chose him. He never has.

//

The marathon is the best time of Matt’s entire life. He’s with his best friends, and he’s raising money for charity, and he hasn’t slept so he’s a bit out of it, but he’s never been so happy. Chad and him flirt for the cameras and it tugs on his heartstrings a bit because he can’t remember the last time they joked around like this.

They just finished and are all getting ready to go out to eat for the last time when he feels Chad slide his hand through his, tugging him in a different direction. He snaps his head around to make sure there’s no one that would catch them, but Chad seems to have the entire area mapped out perfectly as he unlocks a closet and pulls them into it.

Chad winds his arms around his neck and pulls him down to his level, kissing him and laughing into his mouth and Matt thinks this is exactly how it should be, all the time.

He’s so fucking tired and happy that it falls out of his mouth on complete accident and it scares the shit out of both of them. “I love you so fucking much,” he breathes against Chad’s jaw and he feels Chad’s muscles tighten and his smile drop.

Chad jumps away from him like he’s a disease and Matt wants to punch himself for ruining it. They’re on opposite ends of the very small closet but it feels too far and he’s never hated himself so much.

“I think—“ Chad starts, shaking his head furiously as he grabs for the door handle. “—I think we took this too far. I’m sorry.”

Matt rubs at the tears that are trying to form in his eyes before he joins the others.

//

They stop talking entirely, aside from a few snide comments here and there in the Mindcrack chats. Chad cuts himself off from Mindcrack almost entirely, focusing on his community and building himself up as a separate entity. Matt focuses on his work and making his company the best it can be.

He avoids Chad at all costs, dipping away from their shared booth whenever he comes around and it’s mostly successful until people ask them to pose for pictures together. They put on a smile for the cameras before peeling off of each other and Matt takes off again.

And he almost stops loving him. He starts fucking this guy he met at a gay bar in Seattle that Dan brought him to once, and he almost thinks he could like him beyond the superficial. He’s funny, he likes some of the stuff Matt likes, and he actually likes him. But, at the end of the day, there’s a buzzing in his brain that always reminds him he’s not Chad. He’s not as funny, they don’t get along even nearly as well, and Matt doesn’t love him. Still, it’s enough. It makes him feel mostly whole and it works.

//

He gets a call from Chad, of all people, in the middle of the night and he can tell he’s been crying. His girlfriend and him broke up. He knows he shouldn’t care, but he does, because it’s Chad and he knows how hard he wanted this to work.

They talk for a while and Matt calls her a variety of names to try and make him feel better.

Chad yawns and his eyes are somewhat less puffy and Matt suggests he tries to get some rest.

There’s a long pause where they just look at each other and Matt wants to tell him he loves him, again, because he always does. But Chad breaks the silence first – “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“You should have been the last person I talked to this about,” he says, chewing on his bottom lip, “but I needed it to be you. I needed it to be you so badly.”

He has too much to say so he decides not to say anything. “We’re best friends.”

Chad gives him a sad smile and Matt knows he doesn’t believe him but it’s all that he has to offer.

//

Chad makes an effort to start talking to him more, and it doesn’t feel right, but he takes it because he’s missed it more than he’d like to admit.

They find themselves at E3 again and Chad is carrying himself differently. He has a slight bounce in his step and exudes a mix of artificial and legitimate confidence. He’s happy.

Chad takes Matt to a bar because Jason wants to turn in early and it’s the first time they’ve been alone, face to face, in months. Matt orders something fruity and Chad gets a vodka soda. Matt’s nursing his drink as he watches Chad glance at his phone and tap his fingers against the table.

“I’m sorry.” Chad stares at his drink with his brows furrowed.

“Why?” He just bought him a drink. He doesn’t have anything to be sorry for.

“That night…” Chad trails off, and Matt feels his stomach clench. “God, not even just that night. Fucking everything. Why did you put up with me?” Matt doesn’t say anything. “I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, ever. I was confused and I needed time to understand – I like girls, and I like boys, I really liked you, and I fucked it up.” He’s rambling and he looks like he’s going to start crying and Matt wants to kiss him because that’s how they used to solve things. He’s not used to talking.

“Chad, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you.” There’s a beat before he says – “I don’t think I ever could be.”

That seems to knock the wind out of Chad and he looks at him in disbelief. He takes a sip of his drink and lets out a deep breath before continuing. “I’m seeing this guy now, and he’s amazing,” Chad says, running his hands through his hair. Matt feels like he’s going to be sick. He can’t believe Chad took him out for drinks to tell him he’s dating another guy. He waited for him for so fucking long. “And I’m so happy, Matt. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.”

“I’m glad.” He’s not sure what he wants him to say.

“I…just wanted you to know. It was never a one-way street. I liked you so fucking much.” The past tense makes his chest clench and he can’t listen to this anymore. “And I wish I had found you second, after I figured everything out, because I think…I think we could have really worked.”

“Maybe,” Matt agrees before he gets up and leaves.

//

He cries over him for the first time in he’s not sure how long. He had pushed it away, mostly, but Chad said he liked him and he’s dating someone else and he’s so happy and that’s enough to make Matt want to fill an entire ocean. He’s never felt so empty and Chad’s never been so full, and he thinks it’s fitting. They never met up. He splurges on expensive hotel alcohol and drinks more than he has in a long time.

To make it even more cliché, he drunk texts him saying – _i still love you. i never stopped._ Send.

 _i’m proud of you_ Send.

 _but i waited for you. the whole time. and you didn’t even want to fucking try_ Send.

Chad texts him back but he doesn’t read it. There’s nothing that he can say to him right now that would make him feel better.

//

He gets on the plane after vomiting and choosing the junkiest of hangover food to help him get through the flight. He doesn’t say bye to any of them, especially not Chad, because he doesn’t think he can ever look at him again.

//

It’s about a month after E3 and Matt is up working on stuff for Nerdfusion. He hears the doorbell and thinks it must be the takeout he ordered because he couldn’t be assed to cook for himself tonight, so he runs to the door but instead of Chinese food, it’s Chad. He’s soaked. It’s pouring down rain and he seems to have forgotten an umbrella.

“Hey.” Chad smiles at him and Matt feels like he can’t breathe. Chad gets on his tip toes and looks over his shoulder. “Can I come in?” He steps out of the way for Chad to come in and Chad kicks off his muddy shoes and tries to salvage his Twitch hoodie by hanging it on the coat rack.

He has a million questions and isn’t sure where to start. “Wh…what? What are you doing here?”

“Pause gave me your address. I knew you wouldn’t if you knew I was coming,” Chad answers with a shrug. “I can leave if you want.”

“No, I don’t want that.” He means it. Chad looks surprised by that and beams at him and he still loves him just as much. He thinks he always has.

“I, uh, have something for you.” Chad starts digging in his small bag for a few seconds and pulls out a purple stuffed otter. He vaguely recognizes it. He remembers Chad tweeted him a picture of it and mentioned he might get it for him. He figured he never did.

Chad steps into him and hands him the toy, and as Matt’s examining it he shoves a letter into his hands.

“What’s this?” Matt asks.

“Just read it,” Chad mumbles, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I wrote it for you when I bought that. October, I think.” Matt looks at it in his hands and he can tell it’s dated. There’s a ring of a coffee cup on the back of it. Chad nods at him and then turns on his heel to go explore Matt’s house and give him a moment alone.

Matt plops down on a chair and opens the letter. It’s handwritten and covered with scribbles over mistakes and rewordings.

_Matt –_

_I saw this and thought of you. I think I am always doing that. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you this. I think I love you. I’m not sure what to do with that yet. But I do. You’re my best friend and we will figure it out._

_Enjoy the otter. I hope it keeps you company on nights alone._

_Chad_

It’s short but it’s enough. He reads it over and over again because he can’t believe it exists. He hears footsteps behind him and he looks at Chad, who’s looking over the décor – or lack thereof. “I like your framed comics,” he says as he leans against the wall.

“Chad.” It’s all that he can say and Chad lets out a breath and smiles weakly at him.

Matt crosses the room to him and hugs him and they stand like that for a minute – Matt’s face buried in Chad’s shoulder and Chad tracing patterns on his back.

They pull apart ever so slightly and Chad looks at him the way he did on the night Matt started falling for him – completely genuinely, full of hope and care. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Matt doesn’t say anything, just grabs his face and kisses him. It’s not aggressive and lust filled like it used to be, it’s gentle but no longer hesitant because now he _knows_ and he pours his entire being into Chad and he feels Chad do the same.

//

They sleep together and Chad’s there when he wakes up, and he can only remember that happening when he woke up before Chad.

“Hi,” Chad hums sleepily as Matt twists around to look at him. He’s wanted this so badly he’s not sure what to do with it now that he has it.

“Hi,” he replies with a smile and rests his forehead against Chad’s.

“Love you.” It’s the first time Chad has actually said it and Matt feels like his heart is going to explode.

//

They’re dating now, officially, and are at a table with their friends at Twitchcon. They’re laughing and drinking and Chad’s arm is rested around Matt. Some people Matt has never met before but know Kurt stop by.

“Hi, I’m Matt slash Sevadus,” he extends his hand to shake the girl and her wife’s hand.

“I’m his plus one,” Chad says with a laugh and Matt looks over at him in shock. It’s the first time he’s ever told someone that it didn’t directly affect. “Chad, by the way.”

“It’s nice to meet you two,” the girls say and wave as they go on their way.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Matt whispers into his ear.

“I wanted to. I’m proud of myself.” There’s a beat. “I’m proud of us.”

Matt is, too. Endlessly.


End file.
